1990 – Tries to crawl off 2nd-story deck while parents at party next door. Fails. Lives on.
1991 – Freaks out at mother for taking off sunglasses for picture at uncle’s graduation. Gets them back. Takes epic photo.
1992 – Refuses to believe newborn twin brother & sister are coming home to live with him. Happens anyway.
1993 – Dumps 2-quart jug of liquid Tide on family room carpet after being told specifically not to touch it. Declares “want to make bubbles.”
1994 – Spends entire year walking on tip toes. Still has huge calves.
1995 – Sits at dinner table for 2 1/2 hours refusing to try a pea. Wins battle. Still hates peas.
1996 – Goes missing at Disney World. Scares parents half to death. Eventually found chatting it up with Pinnochio.
1997 – Sees Dumb and Dumber for first time. Tries to put up as a play during recess. No one knows lines. Apparently not everyone memorized that movie.
1998 – Orders bubble gum flavored ice cream cone dipped in chocolate on family road trip against parents’ advice. Claims to love it after first bite. Pitches out window.
1999 – Garbage picks for entire summer with aspirations to host garage sale. Parents disallow. Sells garbage door to door.
2000 – Volunteers to ride in trunk with best friend 3 hours to Cedar Point. Has time of life. Shotguns trunk back.
2001 – Tries to break Guinness World Record for most consecutive pogo-stick jumps. Dad gets sick of counting around 1,000. Gets bored & stops.
2002 – Banned from gym during lunch time for celebrating too hard during basketball games. Sneaks back frequently in disguise.
2003 – After years of begging parents, finally joins roller hockey league. Asked politely to never return after starting multiple fights in first game.
2004 – Walks 6 miles home after being dropped off at first job as caddy to avoid working. Would do it again.
2005 – Skips entire summer of football workouts to make out with middle school crush in woods behind school. Makes Captain.
2006 – Gets Drivers License! Backs into Dad’s car in driveway while choosing song on iPod.
2007 – Caught lying to parents about whereabouts after they discovered car parked outside girlfriend’s house. Grounded for summer. Learns to play accordion to combat boredom.
2008 – Named starting Wide Receiver for Albion College as Freshman. Forgets helmet to first scrimmage.
2009 – Lands summer job in law office. Discovers way to sleep undetectably on job. Naps until lunch every day.
2010 – Studies “abroad” in Los Angeles. Has epiphany. Spends half of semester laying by pool reading acting books.
2011 – Quits football Senior year to pursue acting. Lands lead in school play. Still won’t watch footage.
2012 – Nicknamed “Wooderson” at first bartending gig. Learns to blow a fire ball. Burns hair off hand every weekend.
2013 – Moves cross-country to California and stays with friend with futon. Overstays welcome. Breaks futon.
2014 – Tries repeatedly to dunk on inflatable bungee basketball at siblings’ grad party. Snaps bungee. Suffers worst ass bruise in history.
2015 – Books first TV gig on General Hospital. Documents morning on video. Never shows anyone. Never will.
2016 – Books role on Criminal Minds. Sends postcards and gets fans excited to watch. Episode pushed back for World Series.
2017 – Spends year searching for every Pink Floyd album on vinyl. Comes up 4 short.